Oh Man! I Can't Keep Up.

I'm in hog heaven w/ all the fun competition reality shows that are on, right now.  I'd better just get going.

Rachel and Guy's Celebrity Cookoff or something like that, was down to the final four.  This show is kind of stupid w/ some celebs obviously on the show just for exposure.  Some of the celebs try to brag about how good they can cook but when you see their food and hear the description, you're glad not to have to eat it.  Meanwhile, Rachel and Guy run around trying to look like celebs.  Here's a good rule for Food Network producers.  One hyper annoying host can be okay and make the show fun.  2 hyper annoying hosts is just really annoying and you don't know who to aim at first when you shoot your TV.  Anyway, Guy had only Dean left on his team.  Meanwhile, Rachael had Carnie Wilson, Kathy Najimy and Hines Ward (Who?) on her team.  The challenge was to feed a bunch of starving moochers from food trucks.  Racheal's team decided to make food that sounded like tailgating stuff.  Dean had his foodtruck all to himself but had to do all the work too.  He made some kind of wrap that he called a taco.  Okay...  Lou Diamond Phillips returned to be a judge.  Y'know, for a bunch of free food bums, those customers were quite critical of the food.  Hine's had to remind people he was a star by telling people he played football and won Dancing With the Stars.  None of the people were over 80 so just gave him blank stares.  When you play a game where everyone wears the same outfit and helmet, it's hard to tell who anyone is.  People had no clue who he was.  So finally, everyone gave their vote as to who's foodtruck they preferred and Dean pulled out the win.  Yay!  Good thing too cuz if he's gone, it turns into the Rachael's team show.  The final cookoff involved all 3 celebs from Rachael's team and they had to make...  Well who cares?  Carnie won and it will be Dean and her in the finale.  Oh boy!  It should be good cuz Dean has proved he can cook.  You know Carnie can cook cuz she didn't get to be over 300 pounds by eating bad food.

Cake Boss:  The Next Great Baker was down to 5 bakers.  For the taste challenge, the bakers had to make a dessert w/ alcohol or based on an alcoholic drink.  I didn't really hear Buddy say they had to use booze but maybe he did cuz they all did.  The blonde white chick said she didn't drink so it was interesting that she knew what a mudslide was.  Chad made something so intricate, it became cluttered.  In the end, Ashley won.  Everybody can tell Buddy is keen on Ashley so when they have a challenge and there's no clear winner, Buddy seems to give it to her; or so everybody thinks.  Then Buddy split the bakers into 2 teams of 1 guy and 1 girl.  Ashley chose to join the Italian bald guy and the blonde chick.  That left Chad and the white brunette lady.  Oh boy!  The challenge was to make a birthday cake for Kelly Ripa.  Why?  She certainly doesn't look like she's ever consumed any cake before.  So the team of 3 listened carefully to Kelly's co-star and the team of 2 didn't really.  Off they went and like bad little elves, they fought and whined more than they worked.  Chad took the opportunity to blow his own horn whenever he could but he forgot that pride goeth before a fall:  cough, cough.  Finally the 2 cakes were brought before Regis' protege to be judged.  What a freakin' ditz.  It was obvious which cake was the winner.  The one that had her favorite colors, things and looked modern.  Not the cake that looked like a wedding cake for geriatrics.  Whatever.  Kelly tried to be nice to both teams but just came across as wimpy and dumb.  She was probably very glad not to have to eat any cake.  So long story short, Chad was sent to the boxtruck.  Hee hee.  Who's bragging now?  What a big headed dumbass.

Face Off had a fun minichallenge.  The artists had to put facial hair on women.  It was hilarious but clever at the same time.  They all did a good job but this time, Anthony didn't win.  For the spotlight challenge, the artists were shown a Willy Wonka set full of candy.  They had to make a character and use candy in the makeup.  OMG!  I LOL seeing the artists just shoveling candy into their mouths.  It was interesting cuz some of the candy was huge:  gummies, lollipops, licorice ropes, etc.  I have to say, the I thought they all did a good job but there was one glaring bad standout.  People and judges really respect the work more when there's more work put in it.  Just painting a face and sticking a few pieces of candy on wasn't going to cut the mustard in this competition.  I'm not sure what happened because that girl didn't complain about anything going wrong.  One guy had little horns jutting out of his creature's face made out of candy corn w/ candy corn fingernails on the hands.  Wow!  One guy made a melting gummy creature.  Wow!  I'll bet they smelled good too.  A lot of the work was clever w/ epaulettes made out of lollipops and licorice.  I'm telling you.  Project Runway designers could've been schooled by these people.  In the end, Anthony wasn't the winner and the blonde chick who made the lame makeup was sent home.

Joe Schmoe Show:  The Full Bounty is in full swing.  I love the way they make a teaser making the audience think the cover is blown.  Poor Chase is so innocent, he just doesn't suspect that he could be being duped.  The guy has a lot of heart and doesn't catch on, even w/ all the bad acting going on around him.  They had him chained to a prisoner.  That actor did a pretty good job being scary and keeping his background story straight.  They had an escape incident.  You'd think Chase would think the guards were pretty lax and stupid.  It's obvious he's never been to a jail or prison.  But then again, he looked nervous as a cat the whole time so maybe he didn't have time to muddle things over.  The Asian girl must've had another acting gig cuz she wasn't even on the show for half the episode and then was "eliminated" at the end.  The show's producers seem to push the boundaries and almost hope Chase will blow the whole show.  My only gripe is, why don't they re-run the episodes at least once?

Top Chef finally got interesting but it's because they left Seattle.  Wow!  I usually don't use the word super like most people but Seattle was super boring and not synonymous w/ fine dining at all.  First the chefs cooked on a cruise ship making dishes w/ iceberg lettuce.  Can you say lettuce cups?  The Hawaiian guy was on a roll.  He won again.  Then they had to make fried chicken.  Yo!  Stefan!  Chicken Cordon Bleu is not fried chicken. The judges also didn't appreciate chicken planks or nuggets.  So anyway, Josie finally got her just desserts and was given the boot.  I think I heard the whole world cheering.  The curly-q mustache guy made really good fried chicken and won.  Wow.  Really?  For the next quickfire, the chefs had to make the tasties for the Bon Voyage party.  Oh boy!  The Hawaiian guy won again.  Then the chefs had to make a surf and turf dish.  Brooke made frog legs and some kind of seafood.  The judges weren't too picky.  Stefan made pork belly that was too crunchy for American people and about broke Tom Colicchio's teeth.  The hot Aussie chef was back to help judge and he loved the crunchy pork belly.  The Hawaiian guy was judged harshly for making a usual surf and turf dish.  In the end, Stefan was sent to the hold.  Awww...  I'll miss you Stefan, you sexy thing.  The next challenge had the chefs landing in Juneau and cooking sourdough and salmon.  I didn't know Alaskans were so crazy for sourdough but ok.  There shouldn't have been any budget problem for salmon cuz at that time of the year, the streams are crammed full of spawning salmon but it seemed they were still buying it off of the boats and only seemed to get 1 or 2 fish each.  Really?  The bears couldn't share?  Anyway, all of the chefs, except 1, made soup to go w/ their bread.  Lizzie made salmon sliders but was too chintzy on her fish serving.  She got the boot.  Awww... I'll miss her cool accent.  Now it's down to 2 guys and a girl.  I'm wondering if those judges are sick of fish yet?

The crying fatties of Biggest Loser aren't really having those temptations like they used to.  Why not?  I loved them; especially if they were required to eat something.  I wish they'd have the person who consumes the most calories have immunity.  Man, then you'd really see some good eating.  No, the show focused on the kids talking to their peers about bullying.  I'm sick to death of people trying to talk people into not bullying.  Until people are put into their own plastic bubbles, it's never going to end and kids will always be kids.  I do have to say though, the kids are already looking thinner.  Back at the ranch, the challenge for the fatties had only 1 from each team trying to cross a beam over water and match calorie placards to dishes on the other side.  It was quite hilarious and I'll bet it took a looooong time.   They started w/ huge swinging balls knocking the fatties off of the beam.   Then they stopped the swinging balls.  Then the balls were gone altogether.  There was a lot of falling into the water and you know that everytime they did, they had to climb back up again.  I'd be interested to know how long it took to film that.  Finally, the lone wolf on the white team won the weight advantage.  At the weigh in, in order to make things more fair for once, only 1 team member's weight counted for the whole team and it was determined by a roll of a dice.  It was kind of funny cuz they still made Jillian roll a dice even though she only has the girl on her team.  For the first time, the blue team lost the weigh-in.  Lazy Jeffrey paid for his sins this time but it was the older lame guy who was sent home.  I'm just wondering how long Jillian's team can stick around.

King of the Nerds had a debate.  Each person had a different topic and were assigned the pro or the con.  I have to say, it was totally nerdy subjects:  the legality of superhero actions, if the presence of superheroes affects the criminality of the city, etc.  It was really quite hilarious and made even more funny by the fact that the nerds took the whole thing so seriously.  I'm not sure how they studied, but they studied.  The guys who played Jay and Silent Bob helped judge the debates.  The blue team won.  Somehow Virgil convinced the blue team not to vote him into the dual, even though they consider him a strong threat.  Ugly Alana couldn't understand why her teammates keep voting her into the dual.  Hmmm...maybe it's because at the very beginning, you deemed them the weakest team and insulted them.  Maybe it's because she's just freakin' annoying w/ her unfounded arrogance.  She bragged about how smart she was, what a good swimmer she was and how she was so good at this and that.  Then when it was part of a challenge, she sucked.  If I was on her team, I would've killed her while she slept after that first week.  Anyhoo, the Asian girl, who crapped out at the debate, and Alana were voted into the dual.  The dual consisted of comic book trivia.  Alana thought having a room full of comic books gave her enough knowledge and didn't study.  It proved to be her downfall and she lost and was sent home.  Yay!  Bye Alana.  Go get that face and personality transplant that you so desperately need.

Project Runway was a huge never ending commercial for Heidi Klum's perfume.  I love the way Heidi uses this show to sell all her crap.  One season they're making a look for her clothing line, the next season they're making a look for her baby clothes shop, this time they're making looks to go w/ the perfume in public appearances.  Yeesh.  What's next?  A Heidi Klum fertility package?  The designers had to stick to pink, black and gold w/ a hard and soft theme.  The Dream Team made some looks that weren't so dreamy.  That older lady makes a lot of crap and this time she made the crappiest thing out of bright pink shantung shiny.  Ick!  The Aussie blonde guy must've sat on his arse until the last hour cuz boy was he scrambling to assemble a dress that looked like a 2nd grader could've made it in 10 minutes.  It was strapless and so poorly made that I was sure the model was going to have a major wardrobe malfunction on the runway.  I kept wondering how that bodice stayed up.  I liked that that one bitchy lady who always thinks she's so great got totally raked over for her fugly dress.  The Keeping It Real team did a good job of helping each other and critiquing each other.  They had a couple of really gorgeous gowns and of course a couple of duds too.  The Native American lady made a cool checked leather textile thing.  She's really quite the artist and I've loved her work so far.  In the end, the older lady, Cindy, on The Dream Team was sent home.  Bye!  See you at the old folks home.  I'll bet she's great at making culottes.

Well, that's about it for this week.  Sugar Dome had the people do an alien theme and that guy w/ the crazy hair from Ancient Aliens was on to help judge.  How cool was that?  It's also award show season.  Les Miserable, Silver Linings Playbook and Argo seem to be the big winners.  The BAFTAs were hilarious and fun to watch. 

Fun fun fun!  See you next time people.  Until then, stay tuned.