I Have Returned

Okay, I know I'm wayyyy behind but I took a little hiatus and now I'm back. The hard part is knowing where to start.

RuPaul's Drag Race has been pretty fun. One week the girls had to do their celebrity impressions and some were really funny. Of course one girl/guy did Cher and for some reason, it was really flat. It's not all about the look people. Cher has a cool attitude too. I was right. Raja is that makeup artist guy from America's Next Top Model. He was Tyra and looked great and was funny, but still couldn't pull off that total wackadoo that Tyra is. Well, I mean, who can? One guy was a famous singer who I didn't know was funny but he made her funny. In the end, that boring guy/girl was kicked off. She/he was so boring, I never could remember her name. The next week, the girls had to dress as cakes. First they decorated their cakes; kind of. To decide who got to assign the cakes they had that reading thing where everybody insults everybody in a funny way. Some were funny and some were just insulting. Anyway, everybody looked cute until Stacey Lane showed up in some red velvet pantsuit to represent her cake. OMG, no fat woman would ever show up in public in a velvet pantsuit. I don't think the judges considered the lip synch at all and she was sent home. I'm gonna have nightmares about that outfit. Yikes! Then the next week, the girls had to do stand-up comedy. Everybody is hating on Shangela and she's very surprised as well as the tv audience. Shangela wins the mini challenge again and gets to make the line-up as to who goes first and last blah blah blah. Rita Rudner was there to give some coaching. My favorite bit was that Spanish midget bit. OMG, when she came running on stage that was it. I was LOL. Shangela did some black ho bit w/ attitude. Hasn't that already been done? She impressed the judges and won. This time, the last fattie was really boring and not funny at all. I have to say, her makeup looked really good this week but she was still sent home. What's worse than a fat woman? A fat guy in drag. Ick.

Face Off has been really interesting. A couple weeks ago, the make-up effects artists had to make up wedding couples. The twist was, they had to make the guy the girl and the girl the guy. They worked in pairs and had the option to work together on both or each work on one. The teams who worked together on both did better. One team made their couple into old Chinese people who looked like dried prunes. It was pretty bad and not at all flattering to old Chinese people. One team made their guy look like he was made of plastic so he looked like a walking ventriloquist puppet. Everybody groused that Meagan didn't seem to do anything and Colin did all of the work. That's not true. Meagan flirted and acted like a dumb ditz the whole time. But in the end, he did the underwork and Meagan did the make-up and they won. Jo, she of little talent, did a lot of fingerpointing and criticizing of Meagan's work. The judges never listen to the winner's opinion and Jo was sent home. Last week, the artists had to make people into zombies. My favorite artist is Tate. He uses and works on the whole body. Sometimes it looks like he bites off more than he can chew, but he still seems to pull it off and his looks always look scarily real. Everybody had good ideas for their zombies but after sketching and stuff, they were told the looks had to hold up through a full dance number. Oh boy! No cheating here. Meagan painted blood on her zombie's face. I guess that was a freshly killed zombie since it doesn't take blood very long to lose it's bright redness. Tate's was scary and funny at the same time w/ a disjointed jaw and the zombie holding his own entrails. In the end, Tate won. Once again, the judges totally ignored his opinion of who should go and Tom was sent home. Too bad cuz Tom was quite cool. His downfall was not being able to get over glitches fast enough and always running out of time. By Tom. I'll look for your name in credits.

The Crying Fatties aka Biggest Loser is having a weird season. They should call this the self sabotage season. I have never seen more people gain weight on purpose to go home. Anyway, it was pretty much the same. They had a little challenge, the ridgers won but the ranchers seem to win the weigh-in. Nobody gained on purpose and unfortunately, Jay and Jen are the outsiders on the ridgers team so Jay fell on the sword and was sent home. The next week, the ridgers won the challenge again, which was volleying huge balls down a football field w/out letting them touch the ground. The ranchers couldn't get it together, Rulon led the ridgers and they won again. This time, the weigh-in was different. There was a red line and a yellow line. Whoever lost the least weight, no matter from what team, and ended up at the bottom was sent home period. Then, the team that lost the weigh-in had to do the boot vote. The ranchers showed they had absolutely no faith in their team, especially Arthur and all of the parents gained weight. It was only a contest of who gained the most. Needless to say, the ridgers won cuz when half your team gains weight, it's kind of a given that you're going to lose the weight loss contest. The old wrinkly mother w/ the orphan haircut landed on the bottom and was sent home. Then the yellow team voted out Arthur's Dad. The whole plan was kind of retarded because now they're left w/ all women except Arthur the ultra fatty. Man, I don't know how long I was away. The next week, the fatties went home for 2 weeks and then had a weigh-in after running a 5K on a treadmill. The twist was, the fatties would get to choose their trainers again and switch if they wanted to. The home footage was ultra boring. I really wanted to see the fatties eating in the real world w/ their friends saying, "A salad? Here, you deserve a break. Have some chili fries." Instead, it was a ton of blah blah blah about how much they loved their families. Ick. Nauseating. Are the directors and producers of this show gay pansies or what? So then the fatties came back and did their 5k and surprisingly enough, the results were very similar w/ the very first time they did it. Jen switched back to the black team (ranchers) and Sarah stuck w/ the black team too. Arthur was forced to switch to the red team (ridgers) and everbody cried. Oh boo freakin' hoo. At least you're still there. Uh, wait a minute. Unfortunately, the ridgers lost the weigh-in and they booted Arthur's fat ass. Bye ya big sissy baby. This time nobody did the self sabotage thing. Yay! They finally caught the martyrs off guard. The lone mother on the black team even said she would've sacrificed herself to save Arthur. Well, ya didn't. I'm sick to death of everybody trying to keep Arthur on the ranch when he doesn't put his whole effort into it himself. Pa-thetic. Last week, the teams chose captains. The captains had to choose one person to be the cook. That person was the only one allowed in the kitchen. Then they picked 2 people from their team who were allowed to be w/ the trainers. Well, BFD. I knew I didn't like those snooty sisters from the black team. Sarah and the sister were chosen to work w/ the trainers and the sister looked like she was told she had to live w/ a skunk for the week. What a bee-yotch. This time, the ranchers all girl team actually won the challenge but then lost the weigh-in and nobody tried to gain weight. Poor Sarah. She was the odd girl out and I knew she was going to get booted and she did. What a dumbass. She should've gone back to her original team but then again, I was sick and tired of her boo hooing she couldn't have kids cuz she was too fat. Whatever.

Top Chef Allstars is down to the final four. Here's how they got there. Quickfire: The chefs had to deep fry something for Paula Deen. Antonia had a great dish and a brain fart and lost to Mike Isabella cuz she only plated one plate. Meanwhile, Isabella used a dish he'd seen illustrated in Richard's notebook. Yo Richard! You're in a competition. Don't show the competitor your playbook. Then the chefs had to use seafood from the New Orleans gulf region and feed 300 people. The catch was, the protein they chose came w/ a past eliminated chef as their sous chef. Blaise had the right idea and chose the sous chef cuz if you're a great chef, you can make any protein taste good. So Blaise chose Fabio. Yay! Then the rest of the chefs just tried not to get Marcel but he had a great protein so Tiffany took him. Marcel needs to learn to shut up after he's eliminated. Nobody cares about your food concepts anymore cuz you're out of the competition. On the other hand, Isabella looked clueless so Tiffany F. gave him suggestions and he went with it. In the end, Dale paid for his sins in the Dim Sum challenge. Instead of getting away w/ just feeding the judges and ignoring the crowd he was supposed to feed, the crowd came through first, ate the good stuff and he had subpar undercooked food to serve to the judges. Haw haw. Tiffany moved too slowly for this show. Marcel ended up cooking her shrimp and sauce and the judges didn't like either. Carla tried to serve common food to the high end crowd and didn't get away w/ that. I loved that she picked Tre as her sous chef thinking he would know Southern food that black people eat and he didn't. What is chow chow? In the end, Richard won and Dale was sent home. The best part? John Besh was on the show. Hoo hoo hoo. I was drooling and not at the food. So for the next week, the quickfire consisted of the chefs trying to make something edible out of ferry snackbar food. Ew. Somehow, Carla found fruit and marinated it in juice. The judge was that chef who has a farm. I'm sure he was gagging on the processed food. Mike Isabella made what I call college stew and I guess it tasted as bad as it looked. Since Carla had the only food that looked fresh, she won. Then tah-dah, they were on Ellis island. Why waste time on a ferry? Let it be part of the show. Anyway, I digress. Then family members showed up, people cried, and family trees and heritage books were pulled out. Blah blah blah, nauseating. The only interesting thing was, Mike and Antonia turned out to be cousins from Italy. Oh boy! Then the chefs had to cook a dish inspired by their ancestry. It seemed nobody could diss the dishes in front of the family members and in the end, the judges let everybody pass to the finale. Are you kidding me? Make a choice people. That's your job. If you couldn't pick the worst then pick the least best. Yeesh. Not only that, but they about gave Richard a heart attack by saying, "Richard, please pack your knives and...go to the Bahamas." I thought he was going to pass out right there. Since there's 5 people in the finale location, I'm not sure how long it's going to be. So the first show is in the Bahamas and when the chefs land, the winners of their season are standing there. The quickfire is to cook head to head w/ the same protein against their Top Chef. It was interesting that none of the proteins were seafood. Richard and Antonia also cooked against Stefanie. Mike Isabella beat Mike Voltaggio which I couldn't believe at all. Tiffany beat Kevin and Richard beat Stefanie. Carla and Antonia well...didn't win. Then the chefs were told they were going to cook for royalty. Oh really? I can't believe they thought they were going to be upscale people. Have you ever seen the people of the Bahamas? There's a reason they don't eat inside. After coming up w/ their dish, they found they were going to cook for the King of Junkanoo; emphasis on junk. Anyway, as luck would have it, the kitchen fryer caught on fire and they had to start all over again. You could really see the fatigue. Anyway, Carla and Antonia landed in the bottom again but Carla was sent home for very underdone pork and Mike Isabella was declared the winner of this round.

On Survivor, things are not as usual. First, we found Ralph found the Immunity Idol instead of the troll Russell. We find Russell's looking for the idol w/ his chosen dumb girl alliance. Well, Russell, they're not only dumb but unlikeable too and that's not a good combination. Anyway, on Rob's team, the former federal agent is driving everybody nuts. So the teams have their challenge and Rob's team loses. The blonde christian guy goes and shakes hands and congratulates the other team on their win. Rob's furious. This is how influential Rob is. He got his alliance to turn on one of it's members and the blonde christian was booted. At the same time, Christina thought she'd get the vote and used her immunity idol. I swear, I could see Rob twirling his mustache. So finally we get to see a duel. It's Francesqua (no wonder Phil said it funny) and the blonde guy. It's just a mini challenge repeat of a former big challenge. The blonde guy wins with 2 people from each tribe as witnesses. Bye Frannie. One less lawyer always makes a better world. I loved that Russell's guys lied to him and said the woman won. This season, Russell's getting played. On Rob's team, Phil's still driving everyone nuts. At the challenge, Russell's team decides to throw the challenge. No kidding. I was waiting for a tribe to realize they need to get rid of Russell before it's too late. They did the old turn people on wheel and have them spit to fill container but then they added a puzzle to the end. So anyway, Rob's team won and didn't seem to have a clue that the other team wasn't trying. Russell tried to fool his tribe into thinking is tiny group had the immunity idol. I thought Ralph would tell his tribe then that he had it but he didn't. They split the vote and Russell tried to sway one lady but she turned out to be smarter than the usual putzes and Russell was booted. Last week, we saw the blonde christian against the devil Russell in their duel. It was a domino chain thing. The christian was victorious and then Russell vented everything. First he cried, the shouted out who the tribe leader was, they threw the last challenge and that he had the clue to the idol. Ralph should've stayed quiet and let the other team think Russell was totally crazy but nope, he let it slip that he had the idol. Oy vey. At the challenge, Ralph's team won again. Rob was livid cuz he thought he had a tribe that could win and found he didn't. It's not always good to have all girls on your tribe if you're worried about your ego. So off to tribal again. I forgot to mention, Rob found the immunity idol during the duel time while the rest of the tribe was frolicking on the beach. Anyway, it was kind of a given that Christina would be voted out since Rob dictated it; even though the whole tribe wanted to get rid of Phil but Rob can't afford to lose any more men for the challenges. So they've gotten rid of a lawyer, a christian, a rat and a be-yotch. Wow! They are making the world a better place.

America's Next Top Model is also on Wednesday nights. Jeez. This season, there was none of that half audition thing in front of the J's and Tyra. At least they didn't televise it. The final girls were told they didn't make the cut and were loaded onto a bus to get their luggage at a place. Then they found, it was their house. Oh that crafty Tyra. It's an interesting group. Some of the girls look like girls from past seasons. There's the usual bitchy one, the awkward one, the plus sized one and the androgynous one. One thing I notice, nobody is near the mid 20's which is nearing retirement age for models. Also, there are a lot of bad complexions. In the 3rd season, they made a huge deal of Yaya's bad skin. The bad skin this year is even worse. So anyway, the first modeling thing is to walk a skinny runway in a pool in a plastic ball. OMG. I felt sorry for the girls who fell cuz it looked like it really hurt and they had a really tough time getting back on their feet. Then their photoshoot was done backstage while getting ready for the runway. Way to utilize the time Tyra. The cute hispanic looking girl was booted. Okay. The next episode had the girls making a picture of their worst critics which turned out to be themselves. Their parents must be really nice. It was really dumb and made just to make the girls cry. One girl who talked nonchalantly of her brother's being dead really kind of broke down and broke through a wall. Then the girls had to do a photoshoot w/ bees. Eek! I loved the cotton in the nose and ears. Thank goodness for photoshop. At elimination, the girl w/ the dead brothers issue decided she needed to take care of her issues and not in this venue and bowed out. Tyra went right ahead and booted another girl anyway. Good going. Last week was finally the make-overs. Wow! What a lot of extensions and weaves this season. A couple of girls didn't really have anything done. Then the girls had to do a photoshoot in designer clothes in pairs. Wow! Alexandra isn't just bitchy but a diva too. Wouldn't you know it? She won best photo. Oh brother. Dominique was sent home w/ her huge freckles that disguised her bad complexion.

Finally, on The Amazing Race, the teams made it out of Australia but that dumb couple came in last so were eliminated due to their automatic u-turn. Already the teams are showing a lack of reading ability. The clue said to dance on their picture they made and some didn't do that. Then they had a really funny detour that had the teams dressing as kangaroos. Zev and Justin won the leg. Okay, so after that long leg, I'm not sure where they were but the writer guy and his Dad are having troubles with cramps in the legs and what not. Oh boy! So the teams are in China, I think. They have to do a Chinese warrior task thing and hunt for lucky frogs in a bog while people pelt them w/ mud. I think the producers are going for a really funny season. The bitchy cheerleaders are really having a bad luck day w/ breaking another driver's mirror off and getting lost, etc. They think they're in last place. Once again, Zev and Justin get to the mat first. Surprisingly, the writer guy and his Dad don't finish the detour and come in last. I think it's best and get to the hospital already. Last week, the teams are to travel to another part of China. China is huge so yes it can take all night to fly across it. For some reason, Kent and Vyxin drive 6 hours in the wrong direction on their way to the airport and miss the required flight. I'm sure most of the requirement thing was about immigration. It's not like they caught another flight because they didn't want to get on the required flight so I doubt they'll be penalized. Anyway, it did put them about 6 hours behind everybody. Then in China, it seemed Ron and Christina (the Chinese Dad and daughter) would have the advantage. Ron wanted to sightsee and eat. The teams had to ride a yak. The cowboys were so funny w/ Cord whupping the yak like a steer as he rode it. The Chinese weren't impressed. Then the teams had to hunt for little zodiac signs and then hang them in order. It took Zev literally all day cuz Kent and Vyxin showed up while they were still there. Then the teams chose to all pound Chinese candy. Vyxin found she lost her fanny pack on the gondola. OMG. I'm really surprised cuz this time Kent is calm and Vyxin is frantic. They must've switched their meds. So the deaf guy and his bitchy mom get to the mat first but it's not a pitstop. They're still racing and the episode is to be continued again. I hope they don't do this too many times. It's getting old.

I'd like to know. Where the heck are the Law & Order shows? I know the original is done but where's Law & Order: Criminal Intent? Where's Law & Order Los Angeles? Grrrr...Come back. I'm craving some cerebral drama.

Okay, I'll get a grip and see you guys next time. Stay Tuned.