You Go Girls!

Hello to all my fellow TV junkies. Even though the reality competition shows are a little sparse, they're pretty good.

The Amazing Race went to Tanzania. No, it's not South America, it's Africa. Vanessa iterated America's animosity toward Rachel and gave her quite a few verbal shots below the belt, while at the airport. Since I hate that Big Brother show, I didn't know Rachel. All I have to say is, when Vanessa says she's better looking and skinnier than Rachel, she's not lying. I loved Bopper cramming free candy into his pocket at the travel agency. The border patrol guys blew the fed agent ladies cover to the other racers. You know how you can tell they're not teachers? They're not poor and insane. Anyway, the teams all landed in Africa together but then had to take turns taking charter flights to the middle of nowhere. There, they had to ride bikes to the detour. They could either throw native clubs at a target or jump for 1 minute. Those crafty producers failed to tell the teams exactly what they had to do before they chose which one they wanted to do because it's much easier and faster to just jump for 1 minute. Only people like Stephen Hawking would fail at that. So of course the people who chose the jumping got through faster. For some reason, Vanessa couldn't get the hang of riding the bike but it was a boys bike. The airforce guy and wife have great navigational skills because they always get to the next destination first. For the roadblock, the teams had to set up a tent and camp shower. I think they were literally setting up their own sleeping quarters for the pitstop. Oh joy! I'd be making Ex-lax brownies for the producers for that one. The Airforce guy and wife hit the mat first and won yet another trip. The teachers/fed agents came in last but it turned out to be a non-elimination. They live to race another day. You go girls!

On The Celebrity Apprentice, the teams had to make a commercial for some coupon phone app. Teresa Giudice took the project manager position for her team and Dayana took the PM for her's. As usual, the first thing done is giving the money to charity from the last task. At least it wasn't a kid again. This time Arsenio gave the money announcement via videochat to Magic Johnson. I can't believe that guy is still alive. I guess you don't die of AIDS anymore. Why are we giving money to that then? The most surprising thing to see was Aubrey actually shutting up. It was so nice not to hear her voice for most of the show. For once, the other team members were able to give their suggestions. So Unanimous' commercial consisted of a Dad overhearing his daughter and boyfriend talking about the app which sounds like hanky panky. You can tell it's Aubrey's idea because it's all about double entendre. They used Paul as the Dad and he did a really good job. I especially loved him growling and grinding his teeth w/ his ear to the door. I LOL'ed at that one. After all the shooting, Clay and Arsenio did the editing and over-voicing. On the other team, once again, Penn only had a couple of hours w/ the team before he had to go do his real job. The thing about Penn is, he's so intelligent, he not only has ideas ready to go but can also give the plan to carry them out. So he throws out the idea to have a couple go all the way from meeting to planning a family using the coupon App. Lou's not happy that they didn't let him star in the commercial. Really? We want to see an old guy meet and do family planning? Ew. Also, it had a lot of dialogue and his speaking voice isn't that great. The commercial would've been great if the guy they chose wouldn't have seemed like such a dweeb. His last line in the commercial is ,"A baby carriage?" while searching coupons and nuzzling the girl's neck. It was more creepy than cute. You could see everybody squirm when they saw it; even Trump. On Unanimous, the only time Aubrey looked like trouble was when Ivanka visited to see how the team was doing. She asked about the theme of the commercial and Aubrey proceeded to do the sell job leaving Teresa w/ her mouth in pre-sentence position. It pissed off Ivanka and Ivanka gave it to Aubrey between the eyes in the boardroom. You can tell Clay and Arsenio have production experience because their commercial was really done well. You can tell Lisa has no production experience because her commercial looked amateur and choppy. Needless to say, Teresa's team won. Meanwhile on Forte, everybody expressed happy satisfaction w/ their commercial except Lou. Uh oh. One thing we've learned is, Trump hates disloyalty. In front of Trump, I don't care if the Kool-aid is made of piss, you declare it the best stuff on earth and proceed to drink it. Then Lou and Lisa had 10 rounds in the ring. Oh boy! It was great! Lou's been subversive and highlighting his handicap the whole season and has been getting away w/ it. We found brains beat brawn and I'm declaring Lisa the champ. You go girl! By the time Trump dropped the guillotine on Lou, everybody was cheering for it like a mob of French peasants. Bye Lou! See if someone can clone your brain for you so you'll have 2 cells.

The Food Network is banking on the popularity of their Chopped show by having their own celebrity chefs compete. I wasn't too impressed since it was the Iron Chefs. Don't they have an unexpected ingredient and time limit on every show? Whatever. The network needs new producers w/ new ideas. These producers are old and so are their ideas and shows. Also, we're starting to point and laugh at their owned celebrity chefs.

RuPaul's Drag Race is down to the Fab 4. First the girls had to dress up puppets and do a little dialogue w/ them. It was hilarious and cute. This time Chad McMicheals won. Yes, I finally learned her name. Then they brought in really cute dogs. The challenge was to make 3 looks inspired by the dogs and they also had to make a look for the dog. I loved that the smallest girl got the biggest dog and the biggest girl got the smallest dog. How funny is that? When it came to the judging, Rose McGowan and Wynonna Judd, in her fat suit, were on hand. Eek! It's Michele Visage looking all witchy complete w/ a big hook nose. All the outfits were cute but I'm a terrible fashion judge. Sharon Needles won and Latrice and Chad landed in the bottom to lip synch for their lives. Chad proceeded to dance spritely around Latrice, and won. Hey, give a big girl a break. She can't move so much. Bye Latrice. We'll miss you.

The Biggest Loser fatties were still in Washington D.C. We had to endure a 3rd of the show looking at the first lady's big scary teeth and cheshire cat smile. I wasn't impressed. It's a campaign year. Those politicians will have their family poop on camera if it'll help their popularity and we all know what media hogs that Obampa family is. Chris called her hubby who whined that he missed her and wished she were home. Whatsa matter weenie guy? Tired of cooking your own meals? People don't believe you when you say you have a wife cuz you're weird and kind of an ugh? So she proceeds to feel terrible and eat her bad feelings away. Oh boy did she eat! She ate the bad stuff: Mayo and peanutbutter on a cheeseburger. She didn't really eat as much as I've seen some porkers eat but she ate a lot for someone who's shrunk her stomache for 14 weeks. During her workout, she's looking sullen which makes Bob ask the obvious question which then leads to her whining and crying. Oh shut up! This show is not the rest of your life and you have a chance to win a buttload of money. This season should be called wussbag Jr. High fatties. They had a challenge that didn't really matter cuz the prize was a gym for the winner's town. Whatever! I'm smelling tax write-offs and cheap producers. I would've skipped it. As it was, I don't think anybody really tried that hard. At the weigh-in, Kim and Chris landed at the bottom w/ nobody surprised about Chris, and Kim not looking worried at all. You had to be a total idiot not to know Chris would be voted out. I didn't even really watch the voting because we all knew it would be insincere crying and words. Whatever. Bye Chris, I'm sending you a crate of Mayo and peanutbutter for your pathetic life.

I have to say, Mike and Molly and Raising Hope had the funniest episodes this week. I watched each of them 3 times just to get all the jokes and it was great! Another show I like a lot is Rules of Engagement. CBS loves to move it around and put it on hiatus for long periods and just generally drive us crazy. When it does show, it's worth hunting it down. Patrick Warburton and David Spade are comedy gold. They could kill off Oliver Hudson's show wife and we'd never notice. Hudson has finally learned to use facial expressions and deliver his lines w/out sounding cartoonish. The Indian guy is funny too and fills that minority niche in this all white ensemble.

Survivor: One World, AKA Buffoon Island, began w/ the survivors all expressing regret about Micheal going except Troy. Oh yeah, we believe that. Whatever. The men discuss and ask, "Do you think the women are going to vote us out?" OMG, these people are dumber than... I can't think of anything dumber than these guys. Troy is starting to wake up from his sleeping beauty daze and seeing the strong men are being ousted. Oh boy! Time to tell someone you have the hidden immunity idol. What a total retard move. OMG! Jay's so dumb he actually believes the women who say they're not voting for him. Get a clue Jay. Only one girl actually looked at you when they said that. Jeff Probst must've had a vacation day or fighting dysentery because the survivors had to run their own challenge. It consisted of throwing bolos for points. Tarzan's group won a huge fish and chicken BBQ. Jay tried to find out what Kat was thinking and found she doesn't have a thought in her head. Jay thought he was in charge of something and talked to people about voting out Alicia. Uh huh. Jay's an idiot. For the immunity challenge it was that line tied to the arm tied to a bucket above the head thing. The fun thing is, Jeff brings out various snacks to tempt the survivors. I was hoping there were rocks in the buckets but no, just the usual paint mixed w/ water. The Survivors were so stupid, they ate everything and let the daintiest girl win. Whatever. Don't these people at least want to win a challenge for pride and security? Back at camp, Jay blabs to Kim that Troy has an immunity idol. Shut up, right now! Too late. At tribal we hear a lot of stupid blather and the usual, "The Game is afoot." from Tarzan. Troy wisely used his hidden immunity idol but nobody was surprised. The only one surprised that Jay was voted out was Jay. Even the people who didn't vote for him weren't surprised. Bye Jay, go dig up a brain cell so you'll have one. Man, these people are dumb.

America's Next Top Model is down to 9 girls w/ the Americans up by one. Tyra decided to do a teach on booty tooches. Azmarie decided she was too good for it. Bad move girl. In the modeling world, you're paid to do what other people tell you to do to sell their product. I have to say, even I learned something in this teach. Then last year's winner, Lisa, showed up. This time she wasn't drunk. However, she did show up w/ her usual scary face. How come she looks 40? Anyway, the girls had to do group music videos. I loved it. This time their lyrics were written for them and they really didn't have to sing. Rap is so good for people who can't carry a tune. The Brits emulated the Spice Girls and did a really good job w/ lots of energy and fun. The Americans couldn't decide if they were Wilson Philips or Pussycat Dolls so were kind of awkward and all over the place. How come everybody picks on Kyle? In case they don't notice, she's the most high fashion of the Americans. In the end, the Brits won and that black girl who says she comes from a rough part of England won. I didn't know there were rough parts of England. I'll bet they're nice compared to our rough parts. Ever been to Detroit or Harlem? Yeesh. I'm glad to see Tyra's not showing blatant favoritism this week. Just as I predicted, Azmarie was sent home for acting too cool for school. Time to get off your high horse. BTW, good luck getting modeling jobs cuz at 24, you're a little old to start modeling.

Well, that's it for this week. It's disappointing to see who's showing re-runs already. I miss the days when actors actually wanted to work. They must be paying them too much. See ya next time! Stay tuned!