Summarizing and Ranting

The reality shows are getting sparse due to the upcoming summer months. So I'll do my usual wrap up and then I wanna comment on some crazy stuff I've noticed.

The Amazing Race was thrown over for stupid basketball. Boooo!

The Celebrity Apprentice had 2, 2 shows in one. First the celebs had to make some promotional book for the City of New York and then sell copies for charity. Dee Snyder was project manager for the men and Teresa Giudice was PM for the women. This oughtta be interesting considering Teresa's from New Jersey. As usual, the men worked well together taking their promotional pics from the top of Trump tower. This is genius because not only did they really get the picture of their whole area (respectively) but they didn't have to travel around to do it. It probably took all of an hour to take all of the pictures and no navigating in traffic. The women decided to do specific places and proceeded to take cheesy pictures of themselves in delis, parks, shops, etc. They also did it w/ the usual disrespect of one another as usual. While putting the book together, Lisa Lampinelli managed to get into it w/ all the women she had no respect for w/ plenty of put-downs and cursing and not in a fun way. Then the teams had to sell them. The PM's had started the task by telling their teams they needed to raise a lot of money. Yo! Obvious called and said he's taking a crap in your face. Anyhoo, various celebs showed up w/ money, the celebs also hawked their ware on the street to the dumbest street people I've ever seen. Couldn't find any chic good looking New Yorkers willing to sign the TV appearance waiver? The Blue Man Group showed up for the men and shot money out of busted balloons which caused all the street people to scramble and shove for the money. That was uber-stupid and Clay didn't like it at all. Arsenio was banking on the blank check from Jay Leno which showed up too late to be counted. Y'know, if it's that important, have someone in your office open the door and accept the check before opening hours. OMG, that was the lamest excuse I've ever heard and totally told America how lazy his people are. Regis Philbin showed up to judge the books. I can't believe this guy is still alive. Wasn't his first home in the Garden of Eden? In the Boardroom, we find Regis liked the women's book the best but the men still won the task by $14. I LOL when they announced the money amount for the men last and the whole room stayed blank and silent. I guess nobody is good at math ha ha ha. They got rid of Takei too early har har. I don't know what kind of kool-aid Aubrey's mixing up but the women seem to drink it every week. Aubrey brought in the least amount of money cuz she's less of a celebrity than she thinks, but still wasn't brought into the final 3 boardroom. Dayana, Deb and Teresa faced the Don. Dayana wisely kept her trap shut and let Deb and Teresa go at each other. Everybody noticed. In the end, Debbie Gibson was kicked out microphone and all. Hey Deb, go get your skin ironed and hair recolored because you're going to need it for your comeback. Then they opened the 2nd half of the show w/ Dee giving the charity money to the usual...who the hell are these people? There seems to be a theme of giving the money to kids or unknown people who aren't the founders or heads of the charities. It's really weird w/ a tinge of fraudulence. The teams are mixed up w/ Arsenio, Clay, Paul, Aubrey and Teresa on team Forte. Lou, Lisa, Penn, Dayana and Dee are team Unanimous. The task is to do a promotional live sketch for Walgreens walking thing. Lou and Arsenio decide to take the PM positions. Poor Arsenio. With Aubrey on his team, he can't get a word in edgewise. She pretty much steamrolls everything from the script to the cube to the banner w/ the guys sitting there saying...uh uh uh. Meanwhile, Teresa's the potted plant in the corner as usual. On Lou's team, Lisa shows much admiration for Penn who gives a lot before leaving to do a show elsewhere. Lou always insists on being the vocal spokesperson even though his intellect and diction isn't good. Oh well, who wants to fight w/ the incredible hulk anyway? They cut out a lot of footage of Dee doing his job because one minute he's saying I'll do the banners and cube and there it is. All the guys are enamored by Dayana and Lisa's feeling like the homely smart girl in high school. Suck it up Lisa cuz you're not cute but you aren't dumb either. When the presentations are done, Ali Sweeney doing cross promotion is there to judge. Forte does a gameshow thing that makes no sense but is informative. Unanimous has Lou telling the world how walking is good for his decrepit steroid battered joints. Penn accidentally says Walmart followed by an audible gasp from everyone including a canned audience groan but Dayana does a good cover-up dumb pageant girl joke. In the boardroom we find Ali and the Walgreens guys didn't like Dee's humor on the banner or the blandness of the promotional cube and Forte is declared the winner. But not before Arsenio totally exposes Aubrey the steamroller to Trump. Aubrey fails to show up w/ her team in the suite. I picture her crying in the corner w/ her drag queen make-up melting off. So in the boardroom Lou, Dee and Dayana are in to face the Don. Dee faces the fact that it was his 2 parts of the task that sucked and he got the firing finger. Bye Dee. Hope your hand heals ok. Hey he made more money on his one task than some people who won 2. The questions for next week are; Will we see Aubrey w/her make-up melted off? Will we see Aubrey at all? Will Aubrey finally shut up? Miracles can happen.

On RuPaul's Drag Race, Ru brought back one of the ousted contestants to the dismay of the final four. It turned out to be the short petite Puerto Rican. Sorry, but I'm not good at remembering names; not even these outlandish ones. First the girls had to dress up teddy bears in drag. I have to say, they were all cute w/ clever names. The returned girl won but all the bears were to be auctioned off for charity. I'm tellin' ya, the charities are really cleaning up these days, from the shows. Then 5 brawny straight guys were brought in. The girls challenge was to drag up these guys to be siblings and they had to be pregnant. OMG, these guys were quite a mix. Sharon Needles guy was freaky, horny and weird caressing the fake boobs w/ a horny wicked gleam in his eyes; Ew. Phi Phi's guy was really nice, into doing well w/ the task at hand and accepting of the drag and gay life. The shorty Puerto Rican's guy was really good looking but looked like he really wasn't into the whole thing. They must've promised him a lot of money to be on the show. I think they wanted at least 1 pretty boy in the group. Marsha or whatever that Cher impersonator girl's name is had a boring guy who needed a shave. Latrice ended up w/ a really nice black guy but they wasted a lot of time getting all chummy. They all had to teach a strip tease routine to their guys and it was absolutely hilarious. So in the end, Phi Phi Ohara and her guy really looked good and he gave it his all. They won. It came down to Latrice and the returned shorty to lip synch for their lives. Bye Bye Shorty. Next time leave your wig on. I really loved when the queens returned to the stage for the last dance and started hitting each other w/ their preg pillows. Talk about LOL! I have to ask, how come Michele Visage looks more like a KISS band member each week. Also, she's not getting any cuter either. I don't know who Santino's trying to fool w/ those headscarves under the hats. We know you're balding dude get that ugly hair cut and styled right.

The Biggest Loser is down to the last 6 contestants. We start w/ Conda crying over ousting her friend. Yeah, so what. It's makeover week but first a challenge. The contestants had to climb a cargo net to get to balls that they took one at a time to a giant slingshot and then they had to shoot the ball at pics of their fat former selves painted on 2 paned windows. Hmmm...how come Conda and Jeremy don't look that different? How come it's been 2 months and Conda and Jeremy still have double chins? Ok, well the prize for winning is a 1 pound advantage and the penalty for coming in last is a 1 pound disadvantage. I guess the producers are tired of people coasting cuz they don't think the win prize is worth it. Buddy wins the advantage and Conda comes in last. For the makeovers, the fatties learn they're going to Washington DC to meet a media hog who looks like a drag queen w/ big buck teeth: The First Lady. The makeovers are quite amazing and I think they had extra strength girdles for Conda and Jeremy. Kim, Mark and Chris have the most amazing makeovers w/ Chris looking 20 years younger than she used to. I found out she really is 42 and she used to look 65. They shaved off Mark's uglier than ugly goat beard and he actually looked halfway intelligent. So everybody and their families are waiting for Mrs. Bummer to show up and they say..."To be continued." Good, I didn't want to see her anyway. I was able to keep my dinner from coming up.

America's Next Top Model has gone AWOL this week.

Survivor: One World is continuing it's theme of the island of retards. Everybody is still confused as to which tribe they're loyal to due to the quick switch ups. One thing that's missing this season is footage of what the people do all day so it looks like they lay around, eat and look blank. Really? Where does the food come from? So from the minute they get tree-mail, it's a whole commercial for 7-up. The script for the day must've said, "Fit the words 7-up anywhere you can." Before the luxury challenge the group shared a bottle of...you guessed it. The challenge had the group split into 2 groups and lugging big wood cratelike things from the water to a platform and then completing a puzzle that consisted of those crates. I think we've seen this one before too. For god's sake, get a new college grad on your concepts team and come up w/ something new. So the team of Sabrina, Michael, Kim, Lief and Christina won. I was just glad Alicia didn't win. You know the show is getting boring when you don't root for a person to win but instead root for someone not to win. Sounds like the upcoming presidential elections. Anyway, they really showed the winning team enjoying their BBQ lunch w/ the sponsor's beverage. Then Kim and Sabrina laid on the floor and talked strategy in front of the others. Now I'm not sure if the other 3 were chewing too loud or what but I don't know how they couldn't hear them. The next day at camp, it's raining cats and dogs and the drama is over Tarzan using the bamboo from the wall for the fire. I love the conversation that Tarzan has w/ Chelsea asking if she resents him for being a plastic surgeon because she got a bad boob job. OMG. I'll bet he can tell from 5 miles away who's had one. I'd like to know, how come they can't carve themselves combs? Primitive people have been doing that for centuries w/out knives or machetes. Yeesh. For the immunity challenge, the survivors had to first get a ring from one end of a log to the other strung on a big rope. You can tell this part is constructed particularly for the morons cuz Alicia ends up in the final four. Then the final four get to put together a complicated puzzle. When I saw it, I said it was going to take all day and according to the shadows, it did. I think halfway through, I would've started just packing the wood pieces into my shorts for firewood back at camp. Jay won which tells you the whole thing was about luck because he's dumber than a box of rocks which makes him only slightly more intelligent than Kat. The only thing I cared about was, Alicia didn't win. So there's a lot of right out loud strategy talking w/ everybody still confused about sticking w/ their gender alliance or their mixed tribe alliance. Meanwhile, the audience is bored out of their gourds. At tribal we find nobody thinks they're being voted out. Jeff has to point out to these idiots that someone will be voted out. The only person who looks like they have any brain cells is Jonas on the jury. After a lot of dumb blather, and voting; Michael is voted out. Man, are these men the dumbest guys on earth. BTW, the videos of Ponderosa are really fun to watch and much better than the actual show. Go to CBS.com click on Survivor, then videos and you'll find Ponderosa there.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes had it's reunion show. Really? We had to see butterface Camilla in the front row? Ick. The only fun person on the show turns out to be CT who eggs on everybody. We see behind the scenes footage that's boring because they did a show called "Shit They Didn't Show" already. They rehashed issues that people already hashed over on the Facebook site. We find Lesbo exes are really boring. The only fun part was finding Paula got dumped for cheating on her boyfriend during the show. Really? He didn't like that? It would've really been fun if Paula had shown up w/ full blown Herpes or something. The Miz is a terrible host. Meatheads usually are and his 15 minutes of fame have been wasted. I don't care how old Mark gets, he still has charisma. They should have him host the challenges and not make him participate anymore.

NBC has a new reality gameshow called Escape Routes. It's the dumbest show I've seen in a long time w/ teams of couples just playing blown up party games and then not going away. I'm already over it.

Okay, so on to the ranting. I'd like to know if Bobby Flay is the only celeb the Food Network has or if his ego is so big he thinks he has to be on every freakin' show they have. He's on Worst Cooks in America, Iron Chef America, 3 shows of his own, The Next Iron Chef, The Next Food Network Star and then pops up on everybody else's shows too. OMG! I'm sick to death of him already and Food Network is starting to look like it's run by schmucks. Also, stop with the Diners Drive-ins and Diarrhea show. It's so unoriginal that it's promoting greasy spoons recommended by possum-eating rednecks that have been ridiculed on other channels. How many times can we see a Bubba showing us how he fries a burger, chicken or an egg? There are some cute shows like Heat Seekers, Chopped, Cupcake wars and Best Thing I Ever Ate. On Heat Seekers, the funniest part is the hosts have no heat tolerance and I laugh when I realize I've eaten at those places and had the dishes and didn't think they were that torturous. Whatever. Wussbags! Sweet Genius is merely a Chopped for pastry chefs w/ a really creepy host. I have an idea. Get a contract w/ the Competitive Eating people and start showing their competitions. They're incredible w/ interesting people.

I'd like to know why TV thinks everybody can be a reality star? Really? We gotta watch white trash families fighting over belongings? We have to see poor Hispanics living on $10 a week? We have to see stupid knocked up teens arguing w/ their families and friends? We have to see has been stars from 30 years ago living w/ their 6th spouse? We have to see black people who are ghetto trying to say they're not gangsta? We have to see disgusting decrepit people who should've died 10 years ago? We have to see faux-rich people whine about not knowing what to do w/ themselves when they need to get a real job? Lastly, I'm sick of the dancing shows w/ old people who we're only watching to see when they break a hip. Bring back the writers and make them use their brains. The beauty of scripted comedies or dramas is we can kind of relate to the situations but we know they're not really real. The people who are in the shows have actual talent and if they don't, the show gets cancelled. Directors show their talent by bringing together good script, actors, blocking and editing and making it fun and believable. Other peoples' lives aren't that interesting in real life.

Alright that's it for now. I will however, save my soapbox for another time. Meanwhile people, let's enjoy some outlandish but cool stuff on H2 about Ancient Aliens or evil people in the past. Or how about evil outlandish people on I.D.? Meanwhile, I'll be watching. Until next time! Stay tuned.