What's Cookin'?

I'm so glad to see shows returning.  Now there's a bunch of cooking reality competition shows.  I don't know why, but I love to watch people cook.  Maybe it's because I can't and I like to learn about anything.  You can learn a lot by watching people.  Ok, so on to the shows.

Food Network Star (formerly known as The Next Food Network Star) challenged it's contestants to modernize an old dish.  I thought they were going to drag out Joan Rivers and Paula Deen but no, they meant food dishes.  I have to ask, what's wrong w/ these comfort dishes and why do they need to be made over?  The reason they've lasted through the ages is because they're freakin' delicious.  Also, they have to make the dish fashionable so they're trying to mix Top Chef w/ Project Runway.  Whatever.  Making a dish fashionable is stupid unless they're making the clothes out of food.  No, they just send models down a short runway holding a plate of food.  Ok, so it really wasn't about the look of the food at all. It was all about how the contestant described and presented their food and how it tasted.  I swear, I saw Top Models in the show.  So the judges seemed to love the deep fried spring rolls of Eric but he still landed in the bottom; very confusing.  Also in the bottom, is Ippy.  I do have to say, someone slipped a valium in Ippy's breakfast or he did a couple of tokes.  I love when people say, "I can do better."  Well, there's no time like the present you idiot!  For the on-camera presentation, they just have to taste a stuffed french toast and describe it.  They declared Eric too clinical and out he goes.  Aw...too bad.  His Harry Potter wand only worked on his food.  I do have to say, the makeup on the people looked much more natural.  Thank you producers and send that fired cosmetologist back to clown college where she belongs.

Yay!  Hell's Kitchen has returned and it's just as good as ever.  Gordon Ramsey may not be that good looking but he's got charisma to cover anybody and you have to respect his chef skills.  The chefs all seem to be professional.  I like that.  Everytime they have someone who says they're home cooks just makes you want to throw food at the TV.  One thing that sets cooks apart from chefs is the ability to organize a kitchen and make it run smoothly.  Maybe they're all pros because this time Ramsey is looking for a head chef in his own steakhouse.  I'm not sure Vegas needs another celeb restaurant but ok.  So the show starts w/ some kitchy fake shaving head thing but whatever.  I'm mad they wasted time on that.  The chefs have to make a dish and they're not bad.  There are a couple of duds from braggarts but in the end, the women's team wins.  I wish they'd do away w/ men vs. women but it's Ramsey's show.  The women get to eat w/ 2 past winners of the show but the real reward is not having to do the punishment.  That evening the teams can't organize w/ each other and everyone's frazzled by the pace.  As usual, both kitchens are shut down before the people are really fed.  The women's team wins due to the fact they did serve all their appetizers.  The men put the executive chef black guy who shredded the scallops and that bulgy eyed white doofus who couldn't seem to make a salad.  Both guys claim they'll do better.  Well what were they saving it for?  So the black guy gets the boot.  Yeah, go brag to the bums on the corner.  The chefs then get woken up at about 6:30 am and have to dig scallops out of huge mountains of ice.  Royce gets bammed in the face w/ a scallop (in the shell).  I agree w/ the tall skinny guy, wah wah wah.  They take their scallops and Ramsey shows them how they're supposed to be cooked and served.  For some odd reason, the men can't replicate the dish at all and the women win.  Personally, I prefer scallops sashimi style so obviously I don't know how to cook them either.  The prize is a trip to Catalina.  Meanwhile, the men are cleaning up and have used scallop smoothies for lunch.  Ick.  I thought there'd be some puking but no.  That evening, the teams are a little better meshed but still not grooving together.  The women can't seem to cook the Wellingtons to save their lives and the men are having scallop troubles again.  I'll bet they never want to see another scallop after the show, ever again.  Once again, the people don't get fed much.  Both teams are declared the losers.  The women are catty and put the annoying black lady and the quiet innocent girl on the chopping block.  The men nominate Royce and the guy who couldn't cook the scallops.  In the end Royce was booted.  One homely guy down, about 5 more to go.  Actually, there's only about 3 good looking guys on the show and Chef Scott is one of them.  I think if you're going to be involved in a visual medium, you need to be at least a little good looking.  I can't stand totally homely people on TV because you have to look at them.

Master Chef is also back.  It's in the audition stages and it's still the same format w/ the contestants doing the main prep and then finishing in front of the trinity.  I'm very surprised to find very few unanimous decisions but maybe they've just planned it that way for dramatic purposes.  Graham Bowles usually likes most anything but he seems to be picky this year; it needs more salt, it's a little overcooked, it's a little undercooked, etc.  Oh my.  Bastianich is not as assholey as he usually is but I still don't like him.  If there were servers, he'd be stealing their tips.  Ramsey seems like the tired old man and seems to be the one who likes most of the dishes.  That's weird.  There's quite an array of contestants w/ different sob stories.  Ick.  Shut up and cook!  I can't believe they let a blind woman in.  Isn't she a liability hazard?  If she accidentally stabs or burns someone, I'm going to LOL.  It's not like she's at home w/ braille labels everywhere.  I'm anxious to get the show on the road so I'm glad the auditions are done.  Maybe a guy will win this year.

American Ninja Warrior went to the NorthEast and I can't believe they're in Florida.  Since when is that NorthEast?  They really made people travel that far?  The course seems a little easier and less chancey.  No women make it through the prelims.  Still, the guys are amazing.  Everytime the hosts say mini-tramp, I LOL thinking they're talking about Snookie.

America's Got Talent went to Texas and Miami.  I don't know why, but the acts are getting boring.  Maybe it's because very few people have any original ideas.  No wonder the judges are letting one shot wonder novelty acts through.  How come there aren't any light shows like last year?

Around the World in 80 Plates went to Northern Italy.  The teams were decided by a reverse playground pick.  Nick and Gary chose chefs for the others' team.  As soon as they land in Italy, they're off.  First they have to find a shop and taste a riboletti.  I thought it looked delicious until I realized the bread bowl was just the serving vessel.  The stew actually looks like the contents of a baby diaper.  Then they have to go to a dessert shop and guess the food that's mistaken for cheese.  Who knew ricotta wasn't cheese?  All of the Americans, that's who.  Nick's team finds the right local and gets the win on that round.  Meanwhile Jenna is speaking Italian more authentically than the Italians.  Very interesting, but...stupid.  Then they jump in a car that's name is mentioned about a thousand times and go to a villa.  Nick's team gets there first and wins the exceptional ingredient that turns out to be an old Italian lady who doesn't speak any English.  I don't know what their hurry was, but they have no patience to just let the lady cook while they watched and they send her away before she makes anything.  Needless to say, she's offended and the feeling seems to spread to her family and the whole village.  The chefs get cooking and then turn in for the night.  Note to chefs; don't put your food on high unstable shelves.  Next morning John lifts his pot on the end of the shelf and the pot on the other end tumbles to the floor.  Unfortunately, it's the darn signature twice boiled stew that's required.  Ugh.  Someone has slipped valium into his breakfast because he takes a few minutes to stare at the mess, slowly sweep it up and contemplate the remains in the pot.  At this point, I really want to shove a firecracker up his keester.  The team hears the news and surprisingly takes it well.  As usual, we hear a lot of negative criticism about one team's food and tah dah!  They win!  Nick's team is the winner.  Nicole is declared Most Valuable Chef.  Italians really want meat in their meat course and Nicole's sausage and meatballs must've hit the spot.  Gary is voted out and I'm very sad.  Gary is the best looking sexiest guy on the show and totally balances out Nookie's serious ugly.  Now the only good looking guy is Nick but he lacks sexy.  Oh well.  I'll miss you and your t-shirts, Gary.  I hope there'll be a reunion show.

Of course there are shows like Chopped, Sweet Genius and Cupcake Champions on Food Network.  They're fun to watch because there's a whole different set of contestants for each show.  It's a one shot deal and the shows involve a lot of luck.  I feel sorry for people who just have bad luck.  They forget a required ingredient?  Out they go.  They burn something?  Out they go.  They run out of time and the food is uncooked?  Out they go.  Ya gotta feel for these people cuz you know they're walking away saying, "I know how to cook!"  The judges are kind of harsh except Ben Isreal who is just kind of creepy.  The nice thing about these shows is, you don't have to worry about watching them out of sequence.

Well, that seems to be all for now.  Dallas is returning after 30 years of hiatus.  I can't wait.  Larry Hagman may be old but hey, that guy's still got it.  The returning characters seem to be JR, Bobby and Sue Ellen.  I hope they bring back more.

Until then fellow TV junkies, stay tuned.